Post Surgery Feels

So I had my surgery yesterday. I’m still fighting with the lightheadedness, but yesterday I couldn’t shake the nausea. I’m having some pain, but the painkillers are helping a lot. I was struggling to eat; my mom made me toast last night and it felt like a huge chunk of cotton. 

Anywho, I found out I do have endometriosis. The doctor said we’ve found it early enough that I have some good options, which include; medicinal or surgery. I don’t have my follow up appointment for 2 weeks and we’ll go over everything then, but I’m leaning toward the medicinal option, of course. I don’t particularly want to have another surgery so soon. 

As much as I hate knowing I have this.. condition, it makes me feel better to know that there’s actually something going on and it isn’t in my head. I have days where I’m curled up on the floor in so much pain, I can’t even voice words to explain what’s going on. I knew it was real, so now others do as well. I’m just hoping the treatments will help so that I won’t have issues getting pregnant in the future. 

I’m just thankful it isn’t any worse than it is, because I know it could have been so much more. Now, if only this lightheadedness would go away ! 

❤ LAFMommy

Advertisements

Escape

I started my blog in November of 2015. My initial intention was to post regular updates of my life with post traumatic stress disorder, however; I found this a rather tedious task. You see, it’s difficult to remain focused on something, no matter how important, when you suffer from something like this. Then there was the issue that I felt I was posting too much negativity and that I needed to post more “happiness.”

Nearly two years later and I find myself wondering why I don’t post more of the hindering, mentally crippling days that I have. What if someone is going through the exact same thing I am, but I failed to post it, so they think they’re alone ? I could post brighter days too, when I have them. I need to use my blog more, I should be using it to jot down my thoughts, feelings, and my every day surge of emotions that I typically struggle through. I suppose I find myself embarrassed by the sufferings I go through due to the PTSD.

So now I ask myself..

Why not use my outlet as an escape ? Why not let my mind be free for a few moments a day ? I need this. I deserve this.

❤ LAFMommy

Just a man

Five years old. 

That’s how old I was the first time he left. 

At four years old, my mom married a man, who soon after, adopted me. He took on the rights and responsibilities of being my dad and said he would take care of me. He made a promise to be committed to me and love me; always. Unfortunately, he did not keep his promise. 

Not only did he leave my mom’s side during the divorce, he left mine as well. Over the years he met someone, they married and wound up having their own daughter. Through this he would come around for a few months and then he would disappear again. I was only a child, and I could not understand why he did not come around, why he wanted to cause me so much pain. For years I could barely look at myself in the mirror, I blamed myself for his absence. I must have done something horrible for my father to not want me, right ? For nearly twenty years he broke my heart. Over and over and over. 

I fell into a self hate lifestyle, which quickly turned into hating men. The first man to ever break my heart was my father, so why would I trust another man. I was so mentally destroyed by him that I was afraid to have children. I felt that I would be like him and be unable to commit to a child or that I would be with a man that could not handle the commitment. I refused to raise a child in a home without a parent. 

I met my husband and I had severe trust issues. He worked hard to prove to me that he was not going to leave me like my dad did. Eventually, he restored trust that had been long gone. He showed me that any children we may have had he would be there for always. When we found out we were pregnant I overwhelmed. I was excited but I was also scared. I remember questioning if my husband wanted children, if he was ready. He made me feel confident that we would be great parents, that our children would never know what it was like to grow up feeling unloved. 

For years I blamed myself for my dad’s absence. For years I did not know how to love or respect myself, because he was never there to teach me. Finally, upon having a child of my own, I have learned these characteristics. I have embraced the love I should have for myself and I hold onto it daily. I love my husband more than ever and I love myself more than I ever thought possible. 

I had never known love from a father, but the love I have for my son is astounding. Every day I fall in love with this beautiful little boy. I will no longer allow my father’s failures to define who I am, and I refuse to allow it to take away from my family.

If I were to ever speak to him again, I would tell him thank you. Thank you for being absent. The bond between my mother and I growing up shaped me into a wonderful person. The fear I had of men, and the lack of trust for them helped me to find an amazing husband. Thank you, because your absence taught me what type of parent I wanted to be. I wanted to be present. I wanted to experience every single thing I could; never missing a beat. 

So, thank you absent father for being just a man to me. Because of this, I am more than just a mother. 

❤ LAFMommy

The Start of Something Beautiful

Yesterday I posted on Facebook asking my friends to give me words that, in their opinion, described me. I began getting responses immediately with things such as; strong, kind, courageous, beautiful. These descriptive words are very nice, but they weren’t exactly what I was looking for. You see, I was trying to come up with the perfect name for this blog. I debated high and low on what I wanted to name it, and I finally came up with LAFMommy.

I told my husband what I was naming it and he said, “But no one will know what LAFMommy stands for.” It’s my job on this first post to tell you that. You see, for a long time I wondered what path I was meant for in life. I walked and walked and had yet to find where I was meant to be or where I fit in. I worked different types of jobs and I even have a degree, yet, I still wasn’t satisfied with where I was. I was engaged to a wonderful man, but I was still grasping for something. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved my life the way it was, and I was extremely happy, but I knew there was more.

In September of 2014, I had this feeling, you know that gut feeling, where you know something is going on ? Well, I told my friend that I just KNEW I was pregnant, so I bought a test, took it, and sure enough before I could even set it down, it came back positive. I was ecstatic, nervous, scared; there weren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe my feelings. I cried, I laughed, I screamed.. It was a whole new beginning for me.

A long time ago I was told I would never conceive a child, and then I was told that if I did, I would never carry full term, if at all. Well, one year later I have to say they were wrong, and I have a beautiful, healthy and perfect 6 month old baby boy. It was not until after I had him, even until recently, that I discovered that THIS is what I was grasping for. I worked so hard on everything in my life, trying to be perfect. I felt like I failed over and over, but every day that I get up and I see the beautiful smile on Tristan’s face I am reminded why I am here, and I can’t help but have a smile on my face.

I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I do Tristan. So rewind a little, before Tristan I was lost in the world, trying to find my place. After Tristan was born, I found my place. I discovered my place was to be “Mommy.” I could have never asked for a better position. No amount of money could replace this.

Of all the experiences in my life, being Mommy is the greatest. So I am no longer lost, but found. I am Lost And Found Mommy.

-LAFMommy