Struggles

I’m contemplating on a new tattoo, or a couple. I’m behind on getting the semicolon tattoo, although it is something I have been longing to get since the Semicolon Tattoo Project began. 

I haven’t been able to make up my mind on exact placement nor if I just want the semicolon itself or anything with it. 

Suffering from PTSD and depression doesn’t come without thoughts of suicide and no longer existing in a world that can be so cruel. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the thoughts are much more frequent than I would like to admit. Sometimes, it just seems it would be easier, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have too much to look forward to, to let suicide take over. It’s permanent. I plan to experience every bit of Tristan’s life, and if I’m not alive I can’t do that. I refuse to give up, no matter how hard I struggle. No matter how hard my mind or my illnesses fight against me. 

My last major depressive episode was from January to almost April, the winter months are always the hardest. Seasonal depression. I fought so hard, but for a majority of that time I didn’t think I would win. It’s impossible to come out unscathed; with worry of the next time already etched in ones brain. I’m determined to continue fighting, even though the next episode, I know, will creep up on me at some point. 

To those that read my blog, if you suffer, you aren’t alone. Some days are hard as hell and feel like there’s only one way out, but then there are the good days. Those days are what motivate me to keep pushing. Keep looking for that glimpse of hope; grasp even the smallest light in your life and hold on. The fear and the episodes; they won’t last forever. 

And I’ll be someone you can reach out to, even in my own struggle. 

❤ LAFMommy

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Post Surgery Feels

So I had my surgery yesterday. I’m still fighting with the lightheadedness, but yesterday I couldn’t shake the nausea. I’m having some pain, but the painkillers are helping a lot. I was struggling to eat; my mom made me toast last night and it felt like a huge chunk of cotton. 

Anywho, I found out I do have endometriosis. The doctor said we’ve found it early enough that I have some good options, which include; medicinal or surgery. I don’t have my follow up appointment for 2 weeks and we’ll go over everything then, but I’m leaning toward the medicinal option, of course. I don’t particularly want to have another surgery so soon. 

As much as I hate knowing I have this.. condition, it makes me feel better to know that there’s actually something going on and it isn’t in my head. I have days where I’m curled up on the floor in so much pain, I can’t even voice words to explain what’s going on. I knew it was real, so now others do as well. I’m just hoping the treatments will help so that I won’t have issues getting pregnant in the future. 

I’m just thankful it isn’t any worse than it is, because I know it could have been so much more. Now, if only this lightheadedness would go away ! 

❤ LAFMommy

Embrace

My favorite time of year is upon us ! Spring ! This means I can open my windows and air out the staleness left behind by a bleak winter. Actually, our winter was not nearly as cold and icy as it usually is, so I was not complaining. However, it was still winter and it kept people inside their homes and it is always depressing. 

With Spring time, our little family gets to go outside and spend time at the park or go to the zoo. I get to clean out my house and prepare for a Yardsale, because, let’s face it, we all tend to accumulate items we do not need. 

I look forward to driving with the windows down and staying cool from the breeze. There is always this feeling of change that brings about happiness when the Spring time comes along. I embrace that feeling. 

Today, I have already cleaned out my garage and now I am laying my son down for a nap and then I want to clean up the basement. Does anyone else have a basement that is basically just a very large laundry room ? That is what we use it for at my house. I am taking this time to get caught up on all the laundry as well. The winter time makes me lazy, so now I have to remedy that laziness with productivity. 

Oh, I just love this time of year ! I wish it could be Spring all year round. 

❤ LAFMommy

The Start of Something Beautiful

Yesterday I posted on Facebook asking my friends to give me words that, in their opinion, described me. I began getting responses immediately with things such as; strong, kind, courageous, beautiful. These descriptive words are very nice, but they weren’t exactly what I was looking for. You see, I was trying to come up with the perfect name for this blog. I debated high and low on what I wanted to name it, and I finally came up with LAFMommy.

I told my husband what I was naming it and he said, “But no one will know what LAFMommy stands for.” It’s my job on this first post to tell you that. You see, for a long time I wondered what path I was meant for in life. I walked and walked and had yet to find where I was meant to be or where I fit in. I worked different types of jobs and I even have a degree, yet, I still wasn’t satisfied with where I was. I was engaged to a wonderful man, but I was still grasping for something. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved my life the way it was, and I was extremely happy, but I knew there was more.

In September of 2014, I had this feeling, you know that gut feeling, where you know something is going on ? Well, I told my friend that I just KNEW I was pregnant, so I bought a test, took it, and sure enough before I could even set it down, it came back positive. I was ecstatic, nervous, scared; there weren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe my feelings. I cried, I laughed, I screamed.. It was a whole new beginning for me.

A long time ago I was told I would never conceive a child, and then I was told that if I did, I would never carry full term, if at all. Well, one year later I have to say they were wrong, and I have a beautiful, healthy and perfect 6 month old baby boy. It was not until after I had him, even until recently, that I discovered that THIS is what I was grasping for. I worked so hard on everything in my life, trying to be perfect. I felt like I failed over and over, but every day that I get up and I see the beautiful smile on Tristan’s face I am reminded why I am here, and I can’t help but have a smile on my face.

I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I do Tristan. So rewind a little, before Tristan I was lost in the world, trying to find my place. After Tristan was born, I found my place. I discovered my place was to be “Mommy.” I could have never asked for a better position. No amount of money could replace this.

Of all the experiences in my life, being Mommy is the greatest. So I am no longer lost, but found. I am Lost And Found Mommy.

-LAFMommy