In need of a reprieve

I went to church last week for the first time in over a year. My husband and I went and we let our son go into the daycare area, while we attended the service. 

The church has set up home at a local middle school, so they hold service in the auditorium. I’ve noticed this has become something more churches are doing. So anywho, instead of pews, like I was used to growing up, they had folding chairs set up, and we sat in the back row. Now, when I say back row, I don’t mean against a wall. There was plenty of room for people to stand and walk behind us, of course, this leaves someone like me open to an anxiety attack. And have an anxiety attack I did. It wasn’t one that everyone could visibly see, I don’t well with keeping it harnessed within myself, but I struggled. Eventually, I was able to calm down, the service ended and we collected our son. 

Tomorrow is Sunday and I intended on going to the service. The problem is, my husband has to work so I’ll be going alone. It’s a quarter after one and I’m still laying here, awake, and working myself into a frenzy, because I’m so worried about going alone. I’m having an anxiety attack before I even step place into the school for the service.

A place that I should feel safe and comfortable, and I can’t even get a grasp long enough to sleep and then go. I’m questioning whether I’ll even be able to pull myself out of bed early enough tomorrow to go now, because not only will I be tired from lack of sleep, but anxiety attacks are exhausting. My son had so much fun last week though, and I know he was looking forward to going tomorrow too, so I feel bad for possibly canceling his fun time at church.

I struggle like this everyday, with self inhibiting anxiety and stress. Will there ever come an end to it ? It’s absolutely frustrating and beyond draining. 

What am I supposed to do ?

❤ LAFMommy

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Struggles

I’m contemplating on a new tattoo, or a couple. I’m behind on getting the semicolon tattoo, although it is something I have been longing to get since the Semicolon Tattoo Project began. 

I haven’t been able to make up my mind on exact placement nor if I just want the semicolon itself or anything with it. 

Suffering from PTSD and depression doesn’t come without thoughts of suicide and no longer existing in a world that can be so cruel. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the thoughts are much more frequent than I would like to admit. Sometimes, it just seems it would be easier, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have too much to look forward to, to let suicide take over. It’s permanent. I plan to experience every bit of Tristan’s life, and if I’m not alive I can’t do that. I refuse to give up, no matter how hard I struggle. No matter how hard my mind or my illnesses fight against me. 

My last major depressive episode was from January to almost April, the winter months are always the hardest. Seasonal depression. I fought so hard, but for a majority of that time I didn’t think I would win. It’s impossible to come out unscathed; with worry of the next time already etched in ones brain. I’m determined to continue fighting, even though the next episode, I know, will creep up on me at some point. 

To those that read my blog, if you suffer, you aren’t alone. Some days are hard as hell and feel like there’s only one way out, but then there are the good days. Those days are what motivate me to keep pushing. Keep looking for that glimpse of hope; grasp even the smallest light in your life and hold on. The fear and the episodes; they won’t last forever. 

And I’ll be someone you can reach out to, even in my own struggle. 

❤ LAFMommy

Escape

I started my blog in November of 2015. My initial intention was to post regular updates of my life with post traumatic stress disorder, however; I found this a rather tedious task. You see, it’s difficult to remain focused on something, no matter how important, when you suffer from something like this. Then there was the issue that I felt I was posting too much negativity and that I needed to post more “happiness.”

Nearly two years later and I find myself wondering why I don’t post more of the hindering, mentally crippling days that I have. What if someone is going through the exact same thing I am, but I failed to post it, so they think they’re alone ? I could post brighter days too, when I have them. I need to use my blog more, I should be using it to jot down my thoughts, feelings, and my every day surge of emotions that I typically struggle through. I suppose I find myself embarrassed by the sufferings I go through due to the PTSD.

So now I ask myself..

Why not use my outlet as an escape ? Why not let my mind be free for a few moments a day ? I need this. I deserve this.

❤ LAFMommy

Depression can suck it

The world is full of two kinds of people; people pleasers and those waiting to be pleased. 

I used to be the type of person that wanted to be pleased. Of course, I went into the military at 18 and had that knocked right out of me. In the past years, I’ve become the person that pleases everyone. Literally. Everyone. No matter who the person is, I feel like I have to make them smile, like when they leave from my presence or mine theirs, they should be happy. A person could be horrible to me, and I will still try to make them happy. I bite my tongue, I hold back my anger, and I no longer do anything for me.

Where does it stop ? I feel like my depression and anxiety have played a big part in this. I felt like I would be happy if everyone around me was. I felt like it would help the depression melt away. I found this to have the opposite effect and it doesn’t help me at all. 

The last few days I have been reflecting on my life and trying to decide what I want to change. 

After I had my son I fought with PPD. I loved my baby, and I hated everyone else. I cried over anything, I was like a jack in the box; my handle was turning and turning until I finally popped with emotion. I would look in the mirror and hate who was looking back at me. I always found something to be disgusted at: my hair, my skin, stretch marks, being out of shape because I just had a baby; anything. 

So today, I made the decision to start working out. Now, I don’t particularly like going to the gym, it’s too busy, and it sends my anxiety on a wild roller coaster, so going alone was definitely not an option. I decided to grab my weights and hit the living room. I’m out of shape, so it hit me quickly, but just that 30 minutes helped me feel better. My son even joined in, and let me tell you, his squats are the cutest I have ever watched. I’m sore, but it will help in the long run. 

Part of my decision was made because I’m in physical therapy. My trauma and having a baby caused some muscular issues so I’m doing pelvic floor PT. I won’t go into detail, but it’s like having a masseuse and chiropractor in one. I need to strengthen my core and start feeling better about myself in order to help my PF so I made up my mind today. Everyone has to start somewhere, right ?

Anywho, everyone around me seems to be working out and on “health trends,” but I didn’t want to do it because of everyone else. I needed to do this for me. So I am. It took time for me to finally make the decision to work out, but I already feel great about it. 

I’m trying to be someone that is not a complete people pleaser anymore but also not a person that is sitting and waiting for people to please me. I just want to be someone in the middle. 

I want to be happy. 

❤️ LAFMommy

One year

I haven’t written a blog in a little over two weeks. I can’t believe it’s been that long already ! My last two weeks have been so overwhelmingly busy. 

We celebrated our son’s first birthday on the 6th. My husband and I took him to the zoo, we decided against a big party, and wanted something more personal and intimate for the three of us. We had so much fun and it was definitely the start of a tradition. We also had smash cake pictures done the week before his birthday. They were circus themed and I special ordered his outfit. Oh, I was in love ! Tristan had so much fun playing and we had so much fun watching ! 

Tristan turning one was a big deal for me, as I am a first time mom, and this first year has gone so quickly. I can’t believe how big my little giant is already. 27 pounds and 32.25 inches tall, isn’t that a big toddler ? Where did my baby go ? I don’t think I ever even had one ! He hasn’t just grown this past year, but he has learned so much. I can’t believe how incredibly intelligent he is, and I’m not just being bias, I don’t think so anyway ! He has taught me so much since the day he was born, and he doesn’t even know. 

Right along with Tristan turning one, another big goal has been marked on the calendar. I exclusively breastfed him until he was 7 months old, which is when he decided he wanted to start eating solids. He wasn’t much for baby food, but always wanted to try what we were eating. He still nurses like a mad man, but he eats everything in sight and I allow him to have water diluted juice or plain water here and there. He never took to bottles, I was unable to pump any milk. He recently started using sippy ups.

I love that he looks to me for comfort. I set goals of 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and a year. So far, we have soared through each goal and have worked toward the next easily. The next goal is 15 months. I want him to self wean, when he’s ready, and I will accept his decision. It will definitely be bittersweet but at least I will know that I was able to sustain a life and give comfort when it was needed. I put his life first, a sacrifice that was all too easy to make. 

I recently submitted my application to become a breastfeeding counselor, and I have all my fingers and toes crossed that they accept my application. I would love the opportunity to help educate others and provide a support system to other mothers. Since I am unable to work, this would be an excellent journey for me to embark on. I am so excited ! 

Well, mommydom calls ! 

Follow your dreams and create goals !

❤ LAFMommy

Just wait…

“Just wait until he can walk.”

This is the line I commonly heard after Tristan started crawling. Of course, I heard the same thing about crawling before he started that as well. I hear this line before any new task or milestone he hits. 

Okay, maybe you had a wild child and it drove you crazy when they learned something new, but not me. I love these moments, I live for them. Seeing him grow and learn, I feel completely blessed to have the ability to be here for all of it. Look at the parents that do not get to see their children grow. Stop making milestones seem like hindrances or curses, love each one. 

Something else that bothers me. 

“Oh, you want HOW MANY children ? Just wait, you won’t want that many.” 

Yes, yes I will. I want four children. No matter how unorganized or wild my home may be, I will still want that many children. That’s just the unbiological ones, I want to adopt as well ! 

I want a large family. I grew up an only child, technically. I had siblings that I didn’t really know and then it was also just my mom and I 90% of the time. Why is having multiple children so frowned upon ? If they don’t go without and they are in a happy, healthy and loving home, what is the problem ? Stop making parents feel like they are wrong for wanting more children or for being happy for their children they do have. 

I just find it so rude to look down upon people and feed them your opinion when they probably don’t care to hear it anyway. Just because you were so miserable in your lonely lives, does not mean my family has to be, and we won’t be. We will have a large family and we will love and cherish every milestone. We will have amazing memories for the rest of our lives. We will teach our children how to love positively and how to live, and it doesn’t matter how large our family is. 

I love my wild, unorganized, crazy family. 

❤️ LAFMommy

Embrace

My favorite time of year is upon us ! Spring ! This means I can open my windows and air out the staleness left behind by a bleak winter. Actually, our winter was not nearly as cold and icy as it usually is, so I was not complaining. However, it was still winter and it kept people inside their homes and it is always depressing. 

With Spring time, our little family gets to go outside and spend time at the park or go to the zoo. I get to clean out my house and prepare for a Yardsale, because, let’s face it, we all tend to accumulate items we do not need. 

I look forward to driving with the windows down and staying cool from the breeze. There is always this feeling of change that brings about happiness when the Spring time comes along. I embrace that feeling. 

Today, I have already cleaned out my garage and now I am laying my son down for a nap and then I want to clean up the basement. Does anyone else have a basement that is basically just a very large laundry room ? That is what we use it for at my house. I am taking this time to get caught up on all the laundry as well. The winter time makes me lazy, so now I have to remedy that laziness with productivity. 

Oh, I just love this time of year ! I wish it could be Spring all year round. 

❤ LAFMommy