I almost died last year

We’re 9 days into the New Year. I find it hard to believe it’s already 2019, yet here we are, and I’m still pushing along. I look back on my last year and think about how amazing it has been. Even with all of the amazing, everything almost went terribly wrong. I almost died.

I wish I could say it was a car accident or something of the sort, but I can’t. I almost took my own life. Even with everything that was happening, all of the good, I was still suffering. My own demons, my own mind. Both were attacking me and pulling me under. I was holding it all inside for months, maybe longer. I was so happy during my pregnancy, but then I had her. She was perfect in every way, absolutely perfect. I would look at her, and just think of how perfect she was, but everything changed.

I’m not sure exactly when it all changed, but it was like I was in a room and I only had one light, and someone flipped the switch. It all went dark. And in that darkness I couldn’t find the switch to turn the light on again. I struggled so much. I couldn’t handle being near my new, perfect baby. I didn’t want to hold her, touch her, or even look at her. I forced myself; after all, it wasn’t her fault her mother had mental issues. We were having a home built, everything was going so smoothly, finally.

My husband had to go on a business trip, and that’s when my world came crashing down. I was changing my daughter’s diaper and my son was crying and I broke down. My simple break down quickly turned into a devastating mental break. I text my husband and told him I no longer wanted to live. Everything had hit me at once. He couldn’t help me, he was out of state, and I was alone. He was terrified I was going to kill myself. I promised I wouldn’t, but can someone take that seriously in this situation ?

A few days later I wound up breaking down to my mom and grandma. From that point on I was no longer allowed to be alone. People kept asking why I was so depressed and what happened. There’s not always an answer to those questions, what am I supposed to say ? I already had depression and anxiety from PTSD, add the post-partum depression to that and I was a ticking time bomb.

Every day I would wake up, and I was glad for that. I was so sad on the inside, but so very glad I hadn’t succumbed to the demons trying to steal me away from this life, from my children, from my husband. Fast forward to now, nine days into January, and I find myself here again; struggling. I was put on medication and now they’ve changed my dosage because the previous dose wasn’t helping.

How do you tell the people around you, the ones that love you, that you aren’t happy ? How do you tell them about your struggle, when they are so happy with life ? They couldn’t possibly understand, could they ? The mind is a powerful thing, something that works against me every single day. Sometimes, my mind is kind to me, helping me to see myself in a different light. Other times, it’s like a lion stalking its prey and it waits until I’m exposed, too vulnerable, and then it attacks. I can’t run from my own mind, I can’t combat the things it tells me, or how I feel. I can only pray for salvation from God. He has brought me through so much, he has healed me many times over, yet I still find my mind acting as a powerful weapon against me.

I will continue to fight.

I refuse to let my life be taken from me.

❤ LAFMommy

In Time

I cry for you. I hope for you. I pray for you.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to adopt. When I was 19 I was told I would never get pregnant, and if I did manage, I would never carry to term. I was diagnosed with HPV, given to me by my rapist, and I started an awful journey of fighting off cancer. It took years, but eventually they said the cells were gone. I was clear. I was still devestated by what I had been told. I had resigned myself to never having my own children.

Before all of this, I knew I wanted to have children that weren’t my own blood. Children that I could help pave a path for in life, and show them unconditional love. Give them the affections they had been so deprived. I just hadn’t taken into consideration that I would never be able to have my own, and that this would be my sole option one day.

Then I met my now husband. Apparently, you shouldn’t believe everything doctors tell you, because God has his plan for you. No matter what tests say, how cut and dry things look, God will make a way. In 2014 God gave me a pregnancy. I was terrified and excited. In 2015, we had our beautiful baby boy, who is now a wild 3 year old. Now, God has blessed us again. We had been trying, and were about to start the fertility medications when I had a positive test. Ecstatic, doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling I had. Our baby is due in August. I love these two more than I could even begin to explain.

Yet, no matter how excited I am, I still feel a piece of me missing. You see, last year, when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant again, I had signed up for adoption sites. I was looking at children every day. I never came across any that I felt an attachment to, so I stopped looking. Then we were pregnant.

Recently, I felt God’s tug at me, I felt like He was speaking directly to me. Was I going crazy ? Was I just imagining this ? The last time I felt and knew He was speaking to me, telling me He had a plan for me, I ignored it. So then, I wake up one morning, and I had received an email. It was an email of a “waiting child” and I was confused. I hadn’t received anything from the sites I had signed up for, I thought all was for naught. So why had I suddenly received this email ? I opened it, and there was that feeling. That immense feeling that I needed this child, and that he needed me. I hadn’t had that feeling last year while looking.

Unfortunately, due to personal circumstances, and maybe a story for another time, this isn’t the child we would pursue. I felt lost again. Why was God placing this child in front of me, and telling me to do it, yet it wasn’t working out ?

Then last week, I started looking at another website. It isn’t common to find babies in our area. Yet, here was this beautiful little boy, and my heart was screaming again. I felt that pull. It isn’t just a tug; this is a drowning, taking you under, can’t breathe, pull. It was so overwhelming. Of course, I immediately sent the picture to my husband. Again, circumstances happened. I have to accept this.

I’m still heartbroken, still devastated. I feel like I’m ignoring God’s plan again. I feel like I’m disregarding what he’s telling me, but I have to accept that sometimes things don’t work out as planned. Eventually, it will. Right now isn’t the time. I recently had a friend tell me, maybe God has moved in me to let me know I’m ready, but for my family there needs to be more. That makes sense. It’s still hard to accept.

So, to the child that isn’t mine. To the beautiful baby waiting for a home. I want you to know, that I love you. You may not be mine, you may not even be part of my family, but I love you, immensely. I have never met you, and I may never, but I cry for you. I hope for you. I pray for you. For as long as I breathe.

❤ LAFMommy