Grief

I pray to God every day that I never make my children feel unloved or unwanted.

I was adopted as a child by my stepfather but he and my mom divorced a year later. He was in and out of my life and then finally disappeared when I was in my early 20s. I have always had this empty feeling, and of course, I’ve tried to fill the space and feel whole, but nothing has ever helped. I have longed to have that relationship with him, to have the “daddy” every little girl dreams of, but it’s all for naught. Another little girl had my dream, and I was left feeling as if my mere existence was a disturbance.

Today I found out that my adoptive father’s mother passed away. I found out on social media, through a post made by my adoptive father’s father. I’m devastated about the loss and her passing. But the loss of the family is a loss that happened so many years ago. I still cry, I still mourn and grieve. Every time I finish crying I tell myself it’s the last time, yet I cry again. And again. When does it end ? When do you stop grieving for people that don’t grieve for you ? I’ve heard that grieving for someone who is still alive is harder than grieving for someone that has passed. I wholeheartedly believe that is true. The what if’s and the intrusive thoughts of a large family with exceptional holidays are enough to drive anyone mad. I’m not even sure how I have made it this far in my life. I have never healed from the loss of my adoptive father and that side of my family. I have never been able to accept it or move on. I still hold out hope inside my heart that one day we will pick up where we left off and share a life again.

However, I can’t hold onto that hope. I know my children will never know them and that they will never know my children. I know that time will pass and eventually that life will be impossible.

I tried so hard to be exactly what he wanted in a daughter. I’ve always wondered why he didn’t love me, what I did wrong for him to leave me so often. I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer, but I do know, I’ll always feel like something is missing. I will always grieve and wish it wasn’t like this. But I will also always pray and be grateful for the things I do have in my life. I hurt, but I know I don’t want my children to know that hurt. I don’t even want them to come close to knows this hurt or pain. I hope they know they are always enough, always wanted, always welcome. No matter what.

Trying to heal a broken heart.

❤ LAFMommy

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Grief

  1. ❤️ youuuuuuu. Sometimes, we have to have a particular pain because God is protecting us from a greater loss, maybe a spiritual situation that we can’t see or understand but in order to shield us, our future, the generations forward, we have to endure something that doesn’t make sense.

    Like

    1. Why do you always have to make so much sense ? I sobbed to Marco for a solid 10 minutes last night and stuttered through “why, why why, I don’t understand.” It’s something I’ll never understand and this is me taking back my control from God, but today I feel better and I’m giving God the reigns and letting him have control again. It’s such a struggle, but I’m trying.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s