Grief

I pray to God every day that I never make my children feel unloved or unwanted.

I was adopted as a child by my stepfather but he and my mom divorced a year later. He was in and out of my life and then finally disappeared when I was in my early 20s. I have always had this empty feeling, and of course, I’ve tried to fill the space and feel whole, but nothing has ever helped. I have longed to have that relationship with him, to have the “daddy” every little girl dreams of, but it’s all for naught. Another little girl had my dream, and I was left feeling as if my mere existence was a disturbance.

Today I found out that my adoptive father’s mother passed away. I found out on social media, through a post made by my adoptive father’s father. I’m devastated about the loss and her passing. But the loss of the family is a loss that happened so many years ago. I still cry, I still mourn and grieve. Every time I finish crying I tell myself it’s the last time, yet I cry again. And again. When does it end ? When do you stop grieving for people that don’t grieve for you ? I’ve heard that grieving for someone who is still alive is harder than grieving for someone that has passed. I wholeheartedly believe that is true. The what if’s and the intrusive thoughts of a large family with exceptional holidays are enough to drive anyone mad. I’m not even sure how I have made it this far in my life. I have never healed from the loss of my adoptive father and that side of my family. I have never been able to accept it or move on. I still hold out hope inside my heart that one day we will pick up where we left off and share a life again.

However, I can’t hold onto that hope. I know my children will never know them and that they will never know my children. I know that time will pass and eventually that life will be impossible.

I tried so hard to be exactly what he wanted in a daughter. I’ve always wondered why he didn’t love me, what I did wrong for him to leave me so often. I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer, but I do know, I’ll always feel like something is missing. I will always grieve and wish it wasn’t like this. But I will also always pray and be grateful for the things I do have in my life. I hurt, but I know I don’t want my children to know that hurt. I don’t even want them to come close to knows this hurt or pain. I hope they know they are always enough, always wanted, always welcome. No matter what.

Trying to heal a broken heart.

❤ LAFMommy