I cry for you. I hope for you. I pray for you.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to adopt. When I was 19 I was told I would never get pregnant, and if I did manage, I would never carry to term. I was diagnosed with HPV, given to me by my rapist, and I started an awful journey of fighting off cancer. It took years, but eventually they said the cells were gone. I was clear. I was still devestated by what I had been told. I had resigned myself to never having my own children.
Before all of this, I knew I wanted to have children that weren’t my own blood. Children that I could help pave a path for in life, and show them unconditional love. Give them the affections they had been so deprived. I just hadn’t taken into consideration that I would never be able to have my own, and that this would be my sole option one day.
Then I met my now husband. Apparently, you shouldn’t believe everything doctors tell you, because God has his plan for you. No matter what tests say, how cut and dry things look, God will make a way. In 2014 God gave me a pregnancy. I was terrified and excited. In 2015, we had our beautiful baby boy, who is now a wild 3 year old. Now, God has blessed us again. We had been trying, and were about to start the fertility medications when I had a positive test. Ecstatic, doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling I had. Our baby is due in August. I love these two more than I could even begin to explain.
Yet, no matter how excited I am, I still feel a piece of me missing. You see, last year, when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant again, I had signed up for adoption sites. I was looking at children every day. I never came across any that I felt an attachment to, so I stopped looking. Then we were pregnant.
Recently, I felt God’s tug at me, I felt like He was speaking directly to me. Was I going crazy ? Was I just imagining this ? The last time I felt and knew He was speaking to me, telling me He had a plan for me, I ignored it. So then, I wake up one morning, and I had received an email. It was an email of a “waiting child” and I was confused. I hadn’t received anything from the sites I had signed up for, I thought all was for naught. So why had I suddenly received this email ? I opened it, and there was that feeling. That immense feeling that I needed this child, and that he needed me. I hadn’t had that feeling last year while looking.
Unfortunately, due to personal circumstances, and maybe a story for another time, this isn’t the child we would pursue. I felt lost again. Why was God placing this child in front of me, and telling me to do it, yet it wasn’t working out ?
Then last week, I started looking at another website. It isn’t common to find babies in our area. Yet, here was this beautiful little boy, and my heart was screaming again. I felt that pull. It isn’t just a tug; this is a drowning, taking you under, can’t breathe, pull. It was so overwhelming. Of course, I immediately sent the picture to my husband. Again, circumstances happened. I have to accept this.
I’m still heartbroken, still devastated. I feel like I’m ignoring God’s plan again. I feel like I’m disregarding what he’s telling me, but I have to accept that sometimes things don’t work out as planned. Eventually, it will. Right now isn’t the time. I recently had a friend tell me, maybe God has moved in me to let me know I’m ready, but for my family there needs to be more. That makes sense. It’s still hard to accept.
So, to the child that isn’t mine. To the beautiful baby waiting for a home. I want you to know, that I love you. You may not be mine, you may not even be part of my family, but I love you, immensely. I have never met you, and I may never, but I cry for you. I hope for you. I pray for you. For as long as I breathe.