Anxiously Waiting

Yesterday I went to go renew my son’s health insurance. I could have mailed in the renewal form, but I needed to include a copy of his birth certificate and a copy of his social security card. I did not want to take any chances of either of these getting into the wrong hands, so I went to their office. 

As soon as I walked in, I regretted my decision of going. The office was packed; almost every seat had a body, and there were screaming children every where. We took a number and then a seat and we waited. Tristan was very well behaved, playing with me and watching the other people, and for that, I was appreciative. 

However; the longer I sat, the more anxious I became. I was unable to get a corner seat, where I could safely have my back against the wall and have a view of the entire room. My seat was situated in the very center of the room, in the middle of everyone. I felt so exposed; I had people constantly walking around me, bumping my stroller, or being overly figity near me. 

I was so vulnerable. At one point, I thought a little boy was going to climb into my lap, and it even seemed like he was plotting on stealing my wallet from my diaper bag. He looked to be around the age of 9 or so, and kept getting closer to me and he was not hiding the fact that he was openly looking into my bag, at all. As soon as I zipped my bag closed, he moved away. 

Finally ! They called my number, “63”, and I jumped out of my chair. I had to finish filling out a form while at the counter, and I barely managed to do so, I was shaking so badly. The woman must have thought I was ignorant because she would tell me what to fill out and I would do it incorrectly. She spoke to me as if I were garbage, then I said, “I do not know how you ladies do this every day, I have PTSD, and my nerves are so shot I could vomit.” At that point she became friendly. I rushed to finish everything so I could leave and get back to my comfort zone. 

I was nearly ran off the road on the way home, which did not help my anxiety, and by the time I arrived home I was exhausted. I had a headache hit me, which quickly turned to a migraine, I could barely function. I laid down for a nap, at the direction of my husband, around 8:30. I woke up around 12:30 and was having a panic attack and then had trouble falling asleep. Once I fell back to sleep, I struggled to stay calm and found myself constantly waking in a state of panic. The smallest occurrences can set off my panic, it is like a ticking bomb. I kept waking, feeling like my chest was caving in, unable to catch my breath. 

I suffer every day. I wish I could say this happens once in a while, but I am not that lucky. I go through this many times a week. I cannot control it, it controls me. My disease tells me what to do and how to live. Something that could be such a small trip to one person is like building up and accomplishing a marathon for me, and it is draining. 

It took nearly a month for me to build the courage to go to that office and turn in the information for my son to keep his insurance. Then, it cost me the rest of the day and night to recover from the trip. At least my husband knows how hard it is for me and helps me when I need him. 

It was brutal. Maybe, one day, I will find a trip away from home to be easy. Maybe. 

❤ LAFMommy

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Embrace

My favorite time of year is upon us ! Spring ! This means I can open my windows and air out the staleness left behind by a bleak winter. Actually, our winter was not nearly as cold and icy as it usually is, so I was not complaining. However, it was still winter and it kept people inside their homes and it is always depressing. 

With Spring time, our little family gets to go outside and spend time at the park or go to the zoo. I get to clean out my house and prepare for a Yardsale, because, let’s face it, we all tend to accumulate items we do not need. 

I look forward to driving with the windows down and staying cool from the breeze. There is always this feeling of change that brings about happiness when the Spring time comes along. I embrace that feeling. 

Today, I have already cleaned out my garage and now I am laying my son down for a nap and then I want to clean up the basement. Does anyone else have a basement that is basically just a very large laundry room ? That is what we use it for at my house. I am taking this time to get caught up on all the laundry as well. The winter time makes me lazy, so now I have to remedy that laziness with productivity. 

Oh, I just love this time of year ! I wish it could be Spring all year round. 

❤ LAFMommy

Uplift One Another

Something I see too often. Black people talking down on other black people. 

I do not understand how an entire race can be screaming for social and racial equality, yet, hate their “own” people.

My husband is a black man [obviously] and our son is biracial [again, obviously], and we get called out of our name over and over online. Do you know who it is by ? Black people. My husband gets more hate from other black people than any white people we ever come across. 

So I want to know, how can an entire race want social and racial equality from other races, yet they can’t even love other people of color or themselves ? 

This same post could go for women. I see women [no matter their race] talking down on each other all the time. 

We ALL need to build one another up, stop breaking each other down. Love yourself and then love others. 

I do not want my son growing up thinking he has to hate one side of himself. Does he choose to love the black side, or does he choose to love the white side ? I do not want to have to explain to my young child these things. I want him to love and be loved, like everyone should be. We WILL teach him to love himself first and then exude that love onto others. 

Everyone should be treated equally, we all deserve love. We should not have to ask for it. 

#stopbreedinghate #loveyourself #loveothers

❤ LAFMommy

Strangers

I know I probably do not have many “followers” on my blog, whether they have actually chosen to follow it, or if they ghost follow me, but I wanted to let my followers know something. If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know. You could live in freakin Australia (halfway across the world), and I will still chat with you online.

I know what it is like to feel alone, and to need someone to talk to, and sometimes a complete stranger is easier to talk to because family and friends can seem judgmental. Hey, they may not even realize it, or mean it, but you know it’s happening. It’s nice to have some support sometimes. I get a ton from my husband, but someone else may not.

Sometimes I read posts online, and I think.. man, I wish I could talk to this individual. I wish I could tell them my story and let them know they are not alone and there is someone that cares. Yes, I care. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOU. But I care.

I was going to write a much longer blog today, but our son was ill and I have been focused on him. I just wanted to throw this out there, and let people know.

You are never alone. You are more than your battle.

❤ LAFMommy

Accomplishment

I got out of bed today.

In the first blog, “The Start of Something Beautiful,” I wrote about how, of all my experiences, being a mommy was my greatest accomplishment. When I say greatest I mean, the thing in life I am best at doing. I have accomplished many things, but this is, and always will be, my greatest.

Then, there is my hardest accomplishment. Getting out of bed every day. When I wake up, I do not get out of bed for myself, because believe me, I could find it easier to stay there. I get up, simply, for my husband and my son. Tristan cannot take care of himself. He needs me. Marco needs me, even if he is a grown man.

I open my eyes, I see the sun has risen, but I close my eyes again and pretend it is not a new day. I escape into the back of my eyelids, for just a little longer. I wait. I wait for Marco to roll over and say good morning, I wait for Tristan to wiggle around and announce his presence. I lay there and I wait to be told that I need to get up, because others need me.

As easy as it could be to stay in bed all day, every day, I get up. I could give up and give in to my mental diseases, I could let them consume me. They already almost have, so why not give in completely ? The truth is, that I do not want to disappoint my family. The two people in this house that would do anything for me. And if they would do anything for me, then I cannot lay in the bed, wasting away, and do nothing for them. Every day though, I feel myself giving in to the desire of staying there.

It is always an uphill battle. I refuse to let my battle win.

❤ LAFMommy