In Time

I cry for you. I hope for you. I pray for you.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to adopt. When I was 19 I was told I would never get pregnant, and if I did manage, I would never carry to term. I was diagnosed with HPV, given to me by my rapist, and I started an awful journey of fighting off cancer. It took years, but eventually they said the cells were gone. I was clear. I was still devestated by what I had been told. I had resigned myself to never having my own children.

Before all of this, I knew I wanted to have children that weren’t my own blood. Children that I could help pave a path for in life, and show them unconditional love. Give them the affections they had been so deprived. I just hadn’t taken into consideration that I would never be able to have my own, and that this would be my sole option one day.

Then I met my now husband. Apparently, you shouldn’t believe everything doctors tell you, because God has his plan for you. No matter what tests say, how cut and dry things look, God will make a way. In 2014 God gave me a pregnancy. I was terrified and excited. In 2015, we had our beautiful baby boy, who is now a wild 3 year old. Now, God has blessed us again. We had been trying, and were about to start the fertility medications when I had a positive test. Ecstatic, doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling I had. Our baby is due in August. I love these two more than I could even begin to explain.

Yet, no matter how excited I am, I still feel a piece of me missing. You see, last year, when we thought we couldn’t get pregnant again, I had signed up for adoption sites. I was looking at children every day. I never came across any that I felt an attachment to, so I stopped looking. Then we were pregnant.

Recently, I felt God’s tug at me, I felt like He was speaking directly to me. Was I going crazy ? Was I just imagining this ? The last time I felt and knew He was speaking to me, telling me He had a plan for me, I ignored it. So then, I wake up one morning, and I had received an email. It was an email of a “waiting child” and I was confused. I hadn’t received anything from the sites I had signed up for, I thought all was for naught. So why had I suddenly received this email ? I opened it, and there was that feeling. That immense feeling that I needed this child, and that he needed me. I hadn’t had that feeling last year while looking.

Unfortunately, due to personal circumstances, and maybe a story for another time, this isn’t the child we would pursue. I felt lost again. Why was God placing this child in front of me, and telling me to do it, yet it wasn’t working out ?

Then last week, I started looking at another website. It isn’t common to find babies in our area. Yet, here was this beautiful little boy, and my heart was screaming again. I felt that pull. It isn’t just a tug; this is a drowning, taking you under, can’t breathe, pull. It was so overwhelming. Of course, I immediately sent the picture to my husband. Again, circumstances happened. I have to accept this.

I’m still heartbroken, still devastated. I feel like I’m ignoring God’s plan again. I feel like I’m disregarding what he’s telling me, but I have to accept that sometimes things don’t work out as planned. Eventually, it will. Right now isn’t the time. I recently had a friend tell me, maybe God has moved in me to let me know I’m ready, but for my family there needs to be more. That makes sense. It’s still hard to accept.

So, to the child that isn’t mine. To the beautiful baby waiting for a home. I want you to know, that I love you. You may not be mine, you may not even be part of my family, but I love you, immensely. I have never met you, and I may never, but I cry for you. I hope for you. I pray for you. For as long as I breathe.

❤ LAFMommy

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Being Better

Happy New Year !

As always, I see people making their New Year’s Resolutions posts and saying how they want to get in shape or eat healthier, et cetera. While those are great resolutions, how many will stick to them ? Are those the resolutions for me ? No.

I find myself wanting to dig deeper into who I am as a person, mother and wife. I want to better who I am, because honestly, I feel like I could be doing so much better in each of those areas. My resolutions are going to consist of spending more time with my family, less time on social media, and being kinder. This year will focus on paying off debts, and saving more money. Hopefully purchasing our first home, or at least paving solid ground to that home.

Part of my New Year’s Resolutions will consist of not letting my previous “victim” status consume me like it has in past years. I want to be the “survivor” I know I am, the person with a little extra baggage, not the weak and suffering person that can barely handle and hang on to life.

To some these may not be the appropriate resolutions, but for me, I think they’re perfect. I have a lot of work to do on myself, but I am hopeful that I can at least do half of what I am aiming to do.

So, here’s to the New Year and the things we can accomplish.

❤ LAFMommy

In need of a reprieve

I went to church last week for the first time in over a year. My husband and I went and we let our son go into the daycare area, while we attended the service. 

The church has set up home at a local middle school, so they hold service in the auditorium. I’ve noticed this has become something more churches are doing. So anywho, instead of pews, like I was used to growing up, they had folding chairs set up, and we sat in the back row. Now, when I say back row, I don’t mean against a wall. There was plenty of room for people to stand and walk behind us, of course, this leaves someone like me open to an anxiety attack. And have an anxiety attack I did. It wasn’t one that everyone could visibly see, I don’t well with keeping it harnessed within myself, but I struggled. Eventually, I was able to calm down, the service ended and we collected our son. 

Tomorrow is Sunday and I intended on going to the service. The problem is, my husband has to work so I’ll be going alone. It’s a quarter after one and I’m still laying here, awake, and working myself into a frenzy, because I’m so worried about going alone. I’m having an anxiety attack before I even step place into the school for the service.

A place that I should feel safe and comfortable, and I can’t even get a grasp long enough to sleep and then go. I’m questioning whether I’ll even be able to pull myself out of bed early enough tomorrow to go now, because not only will I be tired from lack of sleep, but anxiety attacks are exhausting. My son had so much fun last week though, and I know he was looking forward to going tomorrow too, so I feel bad for possibly canceling his fun time at church.

I struggle like this everyday, with self inhibiting anxiety and stress. Will there ever come an end to it ? It’s absolutely frustrating and beyond draining. 

What am I supposed to do ?

❤ LAFMommy

Writing

So I know I don’t write regularly on here, and I wish I did. I just always feel like no one wants to hear about my every day life, especially when most of it consists of being at home.

Recently, I have taken to writing FanFiction. I have never written beyond college papers, and I definitely haven’t written for the eyes of other people. Besides my blog, of course. I feel like my FF writing can be dissected more critically and judged harshly in comparison to my blog. I want to write stories people enjoy reading, while focusing on my favorite fictional world. Which, of course, is Harry Potter.

I started writing, and then hit a major bout of writer’s block and didn’t write for nearly 3 weeks. I was so disappointed in myself, and thought that I wasn’t going to be able to continue the story. However, I had a moment yesterday where I was able to sit down and the words started flowing. I was so excited and posted the newest chapter last night, which seems to be liked by many people. I feel accomplished and I only have 3 chapters so far. It’s nice to have finally found something I enjoy and I don’t have to leave my house and try to face my anxieties to do it.

I’m going to start chapter 4 tonight and see what I can come up with. If anyone is interested in reading my story, just let me know. I’m hoping I can start another soon, I already have an idea for it, but we’ll see.

Until next time.

❤ LAFMommy

Struggles

I’m contemplating on a new tattoo, or a couple. I’m behind on getting the semicolon tattoo, although it is something I have been longing to get since the Semicolon Tattoo Project began. 

I haven’t been able to make up my mind on exact placement nor if I just want the semicolon itself or anything with it. 

Suffering from PTSD and depression doesn’t come without thoughts of suicide and no longer existing in a world that can be so cruel. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the thoughts are much more frequent than I would like to admit. Sometimes, it just seems it would be easier, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have too much to look forward to, to let suicide take over. It’s permanent. I plan to experience every bit of Tristan’s life, and if I’m not alive I can’t do that. I refuse to give up, no matter how hard I struggle. No matter how hard my mind or my illnesses fight against me. 

My last major depressive episode was from January to almost April, the winter months are always the hardest. Seasonal depression. I fought so hard, but for a majority of that time I didn’t think I would win. It’s impossible to come out unscathed; with worry of the next time already etched in ones brain. I’m determined to continue fighting, even though the next episode, I know, will creep up on me at some point. 

To those that read my blog, if you suffer, you aren’t alone. Some days are hard as hell and feel like there’s only one way out, but then there are the good days. Those days are what motivate me to keep pushing. Keep looking for that glimpse of hope; grasp even the smallest light in your life and hold on. The fear and the episodes; they won’t last forever. 

And I’ll be someone you can reach out to, even in my own struggle. 

❤ LAFMommy

Post Surgery Feels

So I had my surgery yesterday. I’m still fighting with the lightheadedness, but yesterday I couldn’t shake the nausea. I’m having some pain, but the painkillers are helping a lot. I was struggling to eat; my mom made me toast last night and it felt like a huge chunk of cotton. 

Anywho, I found out I do have endometriosis. The doctor said we’ve found it early enough that I have some good options, which include; medicinal or surgery. I don’t have my follow up appointment for 2 weeks and we’ll go over everything then, but I’m leaning toward the medicinal option, of course. I don’t particularly want to have another surgery so soon. 

As much as I hate knowing I have this.. condition, it makes me feel better to know that there’s actually something going on and it isn’t in my head. I have days where I’m curled up on the floor in so much pain, I can’t even voice words to explain what’s going on. I knew it was real, so now others do as well. I’m just hoping the treatments will help so that I won’t have issues getting pregnant in the future. 

I’m just thankful it isn’t any worse than it is, because I know it could have been so much more. Now, if only this lightheadedness would go away ! 

❤ LAFMommy

Changes

I woke up this morning, tired as usual. I tried not focus on my neck and back pain along with the cramps I was having. I read the fanfiction I enjoy so much while I waited for my son to wake up. We had our breakfast, watched some Peppa Pig, and then I started laundry and tidying up the house. Now, at 3:30, he’s down for a nap, and I’m taking a break.

I have to go tonight to have some bloodwork done, routine, technically, because I have to have surgery on Friday. The doctors are thinking I may have endometriosis, so they’re going to go in and check me out. I always have pain, among other symptoms, and I have for at least 10 years. Hopefully I will get an answer. I’m nervous though. I try not to expect the worst, but it’s hard sometimes. This could be a life altering experience, or it could be nothing.

I already have anxiety issues, and add this to it, I’m a mess this week. I’m trying to focus on other things, trying to get my mind off of it, but I can’t. In turn, I can’t find the motivation I need to get anything done. Granted, I did get a few loads of laundry finished today. That’s a start, right !? Tomorrow I am planning a trip to the grocery so it will be finished prior to surgery. I don’t want to have to worry about anything afterward. I just want to lay in bed and read. We’ll see how that goes though !

Words of advice or encouragement would be great ! I’d love to hear from women that have endo, please share your stories with me ! Even if I don’t have it, it would be worth hearing your stories.

❤ LAFMommy